I wish we were taking out this mortgage for a place of our own. I wish we still spoke. I wish we still spoke of our plans to move in together. I wish you still loved me. I wish I could still feel your love. I can’t feel it anymore and I’ve never been so cold.
No one ever finds me as disappointing and annoying as you do.
Typically I get along with people and am considered to go with the flow.
You make me feel like quicksand… like everyone should run or I’ll swallow them.
Maybe I should so they’ll stay.
Your words are sticky, dripping with gooey sugar crystals. They coat my throat, block my airways and choke my wind pipes.
I never get to eat sugar, it’s bad for my teeth you say. But sometimes you force it to me and it’s artificially saccharine. Like Splenda. I know it’s not good for me but I still like the taste. Only it’s slightly bitter.
I cried myself to sleep last night beside him because I’m moving on…
The end of a chapter that tore my heart in half and left me out to bleed.
I cried myself to sleep
again last night.
sea of salty tears.
You should never have to persuade someone to be with you.
I should be sleeping right now. It’s 12:39am and I’m mentally and physically exhausted but can’t shut my mind off. I’m angry at you. You knew my fears of abandonment and you did just that. You left me at my weakest and I can’t stand myself back up. The tears are stinging the corners of my eyes and blurring my vision even though it’s dark.
I can’t decide if your words or your silence hurt me more.
…me when I was at my weakest.
“We can be friends.”
“No I’m not going to go off the grid and disappear.”
“Of course I wouldn’t block you.”
“No a break doesn’t mean I want to be with other people.”
“I still want to be there for each other and in each other’s lives.”
“I love how much you love me. That’s one of my favorite parts about you. How much you love me.”
“I know. It was scary for me too. I also feel like you’re trying to manipulate me into staying.”
“It’s selfish of you.”
“It was the right timing.”
“It means we have an exciting future though.”
“I support you no matter what.”
“It’s your decision.”
“We are so young.”
“Can I hang up now? Just know I’ll be thinking of you all the time.”
Message undelivered. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
We can be friends.