55 

I wish we were taking out this mortgage for a place of our own. I wish we still spoke. I wish we still spoke of our plans to move in together. I wish you still loved me. I wish I could still feel your love. I can’t feel it anymore and I’ve never been so cold. 

Sticky

Your words are sticky, dripping with gooey sugar crystals. They coat my throat, block my airways and choke my wind pipes. 

I never get to eat sugar, it’s bad for my teeth you say. But sometimes you force it to me and it’s artificially saccharine. Like Splenda. I know it’s not good for me but I still like the taste. Only it’s slightly bitter. 

Sometimes 

“Sometimes I know that this is real and that I want to be with you and then sometimes I just don’t know what I want.  It’s just that half the time I don’t what I want or if I want to be with you.” 

50% odds of someone wanting to be with you are not so good to be perfectly honest. There’s a 50% chance that a stranger will help you if you fall on the street. There is approximately a 50% chance that a coin will land either on a head or tail face. There is a 50% chance that you may or may not get your heart broken again. 

50% chance for undivided devotion and limitless love. I give you 50/100 for a grade on our relationship. That’s a C- in some academic cultures, others less forgiving is a fail. 

“One of the things I love about you the most is how much you love me. I just don’t know if I’m capable of loving you as much as you love me.” Should I love you less or show you I care about you less? When someone loves you, you don’t make them feel like an anomaly that the world sees differently and is uncertain as how to “deal” with or “handle”.  

You know what? Keep my love. I have endless amounts of it to give and you only have a sliver of it. Love to me is contagious; it multiplies and expands exponentially. How beautiful it is that it will never stop growing, that there will be an endless supply of it. The fact that you don’t think you’re capable of loving me as much as I love you is sad. How empty it would feel to not be able to feel your love multiply. 

You say I’m possessive for not wanting you to date other people. Maybe it’s just because I have never been so in love before. You say people are allowed to change their minds. I’m a literal person. If you tell me you want to be with me forever I understand it to mean forever. 

forever

fəˈrɛvə/

adverb

1.

for all future time; for always.

“she would love him forever”